A Tribute To The Woman I Used To Be

I wake up to my 6:00 a.m. alarm clock and click the first snooze of many. After my last attempt to ignore the loud siren ringing from my phone, I make my way to the bathroom for a hot shower. I put on my make-up and curl my hair. I put on something trendy and stylish that I recently bought online thanks to a fashion influencer's recommendation. I make my iced vanilla latte coffee (my absolute favorite) and drink it on the way to work. It's always the best part of my morning.

I spend the next 8 hours working, and then head to the gym for an hour long workout class. At home, I shower, cook some sort of delicious dinner I found on Pinterest, and spend time with my husband watching our newest binge-worthy TV show. Maybe I read my book in bed or take a nice long hot bath. The lights go out and I hit repeat the next day. This is a typical day in my past life. The life I had before I became a mother and everything changed.

Everyone tells you that everything will change once your baby is born. It's an obvious statement, but one that people like to throw out when you're pregnant. I wasn't oblivious. I knew everyday life would be different. However, I didn't realize that I would be losing myself. Saying goodbye to a version of me that I will never see again. Let me be completely honest in saying that this goodbye hasn't been easy and I wasn't prepared. This is a tribute to the old Ensley. A bittersweet goodbye as I transform into the mother that God blessed me to be.

The Old Me

I love to read. It's one of my favorite hobbies and always has been. I could easily read a book a week. In the past, one of my other favorite things to do was binge watch a TV show. My happy place was laying around the house watching a new and exciting Netflix show while eating take out. I also really liked to cook. I enjoyed finding new recipes that were healthy and delicious for me and my husband to try. I would cook every night for us, and I loved taking time on Sundays to plan our menu for the week and go grocery shopping.

While I loved cooking, I loved going out to eat even more. My husband and I loved going out to eat together. We would travel near and far for some good eats. It was one of my favorite things to do with my husband. When I wasn't with my husband, I was out with my girlfriends getting drinks, going to a yoga class, or whatever fun excursion we could find. Everyday I did my hair and makeup. It made me feel put together for the week. The only time I wouldn't was on the weekends when I didn't have plans to go out with friends or family. I loved my life and I loved who I was.

The New Me

Now, everything is different. On Saturday January 6, 2024 I went into the hospital as me. The person I've always known. On Monday January 9, 2024 I came out a completely different person. A foreign version of myself. One I didn't recognize. It was terrifying. I was recovering from childbirth, caring for a newborn, and enduring a loss of identity. I knew when I went into the hospital that everything was about to change, but I didn't know that I was about to lose myself. Quick, fast, and in a hurry. When a child is born, a mother is born. And motherhood looks a lot different than a young 27 year-old's life.

Reading? Forget about it. You're lucky if you read a text message your husband sends you asking what type of diapers to get at the grocery store. Watching an entire episode of a TV show? More like one frame of an Instagram story before your baby starts to fuss and needs your attention. Cooking? Try grabbing a granola bar instead and savor the flavor and calories while you're at it. Going out to eat? Better make sure your baby stays asleep the whole time. A night out with girlfriends? It's exhausting to even think about.

Now, I'm lucky to squeeze in a shower long enough to wash the soap off. At least I'm saving money on the cost of makeup, because I never wear it anymore. My makeup routine consists of face lotion and chapstick. If I want a full meal, my baby has to be napping or my husband has to be available to cook it for me. Any outing has to be planned strategically, and I don't mean if I want to go hang out with friends. I mean if I want to go to the grocery store five minutes down the road. Getting in and out of the house with a baby is enough to replace my hour long gym class that I used to be lucky enough to go to. Everything is different, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

The Bittersweet Goodbye

Here's the truth: I love the new me. I love that I wake up every morning to the most beautiful baby girl. I love that I get to feed her while I enjoy my morning coffee. I love taking walks with her around the neighborhood, and cuddling her while she naps in my arms. I love to see her smile at me and make noises when she hears my voice or sees me. I love the long fussy days, the spit-ups on my shirt, and the hours spent feeding her.

This transformation hasn't been easy, and I won't pretend that I've fully adjusted or that I don't miss my old life. I do. There are days when I yearn for the freedom and spontaneity of my pre-motherhood days. But then I look at my baby, and I'm reminded of the incredible blessing that motherhood is. It trumps the old me any day of the week.

So, here's to the old Ensley. The woman who loved to read, cook, explore new restaurants, and take long hot bubble baths. I'm finding news ways to enjoy those things, and fit them into my everyday mom routine. I cherish the person I once was, but I'm embracing the mother I've become.