I'm Jealous Of My Husband: Here's Why

Jealousy: the ugly, green-eyed monster waiting to take over your thoughts and emotions. It's an emotion that no one easily admits to and is often destructive. Well, I'm here to confess that the ugly, green-eyed monster found a way inside my head. I'm jealous of my husband, and I'll tell you why.

Postpartum life is challenging. No one tells you about the fourth trimester, the time between birth and your baby turning 12 weeks old. Hormones are like a pinball machine, and emotions feel like the Georgia weather—hot, then cold.

So, as I embark on the fourth trimester, I've found myself battling one of the worst emotions yet: jealousy. And I hate to admit it, but that jealousy is directed at my husband. You're probably wondering, "Why would you be jealous of him postpartum?" These are the main reasons:

His body didn't change forever

Since having my daughter, my body has felt foreign. I don't recognize it, and nothing about it feels or looks the same. My stomach feels like Jell-O, and my stretch marks make me feel self-conscious and unattractive. In fact, I often avoid mirrors, and my everyday style consists of leggings and baggy sweatshirts.

People tell me, "You look great!" But what I really hear is, "You look different, but pretty good considering you just had a baby!" Now, I look at my husband and think about how he doesn't have those ugly stretch marks that I hate. His stomach is flat, and he looks skinny and fit. His belly button isn't stretched out and weird-looking. It's not just about appearances though.

He has freedom

Before becoming a mother, the freedom to come and go as I please is something that I took for granted. I knew that I would lose my ability to be selfish, and that I couldn't just get in the car and drive off to wherever I wanted. I just didn't realize that I would feel that way alone.

My husband can grab his keys and leave the house immediately. He doesn't have to worry about the last time he fed the baby, and if he will make it back in time to feed her. Should he pump and leave a bottle? Will she take the bottle, or will she fuss and refuse to eat unless she is being nursed? That leads me to my next ugly thought.

He isn't the mother

As a breastfeeding mom, my responsibility is to create the milk and then physically feed her the milk. Even if I give a bottle, I have to pump the milk or suffer the consequences of feeling engorged or soaking through my top. Aside from feeding her, I'm also the main person to calm her in her fussiest times.

You can bounce the baby, rock the baby, stick a pacifier in their mouth repeatedly, but nothing calms a baby like the touch, feel, and scent of their mother. It's both a blessing and a curse. These ugly thoughts can often consume me, and put me into a funk that only a glass of wine can help take the edge off. So, instead of sitting around feeling pity for myself. I choose to be grateful and positive. Here's a few things that the green-eyed monster can't change my mind about:

I created a miracle

My body isn't ugly. it's beautiful. Every stretch mark and extra skin roll shows that I carried a healthy and gorgeous baby girl for 9 months. My body nourished her and grew every organ, bone, and hair on her body.

This is something that my husband didn't get to experience. He didn't get to feel her kicks and movement in his belly, or the hiccups that erupted after a meal. We have an unbreakable bond and we will always be connected. This leads me to my next grateful feeling.

I give my child comfort & safety

My touch and smell make my baby feel safe and give her peace. I will never forget the moment when the nurses put my screaming baby on my chest. My smell, my skin, my voice made her instantly stop crying.

My husband will never know that feeling. It brought tears to my eyes, and it still does. To be a place where my child feels protected and loved by a simple embrace is so rewarding, and I will never take it for granted. No matter how hard the ugly green-eyed monster knocks on my door, and I'll tell you why.

I found a piece of my heart

Truthfully, I have never felt a love like this. My daughter brings me so much joy and happiness even on the hardest days. She is the biggest piece of my heart that I didn't know was missing until now.

She was a part of me for 9 months, and that's a love that I don't know if my husband can relate to. Now, I wouldn't be the person I am without her. She made me become a mother and I'm forever grateful.

So, Jealousy you lose

Instead of letting jealousy creep into my thoughts, I'm going to wash it out with gratefulness. The truth of it is, I don't want to be jealous of my husband. He gave me the greatest gift of my life, he supports me in everything I do, and I'm lucky to have him. I won't let jealousy get in the way of my relationship or my co-parenting. So, jealousy get lost because I have no room for you in my grateful heart.